wait hang on

let me clear something up.

i find it more pathetic that "fat" is still being used as an insult than that i was called it.

aren't we better than this?

can we not judge someone for what they say and do as opposed to what the fuck they look like?

i'm not worried about my body conforming to some kind of design that anyone has in mind that will make me acceptable and presentable. i don't owe you that

i don't owe anyone that

the only thing i owe the world is to be a great fucking human being. 

heres something about fat shaming that's a nice watch

xoxo

mouse

smoking hot

i don't really have a picture relevant to this post so here is a shoe i covered in googly eyes and glitter. 

so i told you guys back in this post that i was going to quit smoking.

it didn't happen.

this past week, it did.

it was a lot easier than i'd expected once i decided i was going to stick to the decision to stop--i was a bitch for a few days but then not a lot happened. food tastes kind of weird now; other than that no symptoms or side effects. 

it's been so beautifully hot that i don't really feel like i want a cigarette when i go outside, which has really helped. when it's super warm out the desire to set something on fire and then inhale it goes away. 

so that's my update. hmm

xoxo

mouse

even my tears are pink

i think about the attacks that happened over ten years ago in this city a lot.

it's unavoidable here. the fire station across the street from my apartment has thirteen plaques in memoral for the firemen who lost their lives when the towers fell. last year people left flowers outside of it. dozens of bouquets. i couldn't walk by without getting choked up.

this country and i have a love hate relationship.

religion and i have a love hate relationship. i have never been religious. but there is one very religious man who i hardly stop thinking about. 

father mychal judge was a fdny chaplain who was counted as victim number one in the attacks. he went to deliver last rites to the victims of the attack and died when he was struck by falling rubble. there is a section of 31st street, quite close to madison square garden, named after him. 

he was well known for accepting people not usually accepted by the church--members of the LGBT community, patients with AIDS, the homeless, addicts, and others.

i know a lot of people say that god is love but i think father mychal really meant it.

i took this when i went with my mom and sister to the 9/11 memorial a few months ago. 

sorry for this sort of somber post. i'll be back to my dumb face soon!

xoxo

mouse

being human is weird

and no i'm not talking about the show although that's kinda weird too

four months ago i was at one of the lowest points i've ever been. and now i feel so so so much better about my life and the direction it's going in and the people i'm surrounding myself with. i honestly can't believe that less than a year ago i was fully prepared to drink myself to death. i'd absolutely given up and i really don't think i wanted to live. i know i didn't want to think.

and now, now, now... i've given up most of my vices (still haven't quit smoking... it's fucking tough but i'm working on it) and i feel creative and brilliant and yeah bad shit has happened but i can't let it get me down because i know how i'll be if i do and that's the biggest motivator i've got right now.

i hope all you mice have a wonderful wonderful long weekend!

xoxo

mouse

do i look like a dyke to you?

words like lesbian, dyke, gay, faggot, bisexual, homo, have always bothered me.

not because of the negative connotations, although there is that too. anyone using words like that for hate is in the wrong. 

but that's not what i'm here to discuss.

i'm here to discuss the fact that, today, while in conversation with a relatively new friend of mine, i mentioned a relationship i've had. he continued the conversation, asking about "him". i gently corrected him to her and carried on with the conversation. he didn't, however.

he stopped. and looked at me. 

for a long time.

and then he said, "you don't look like a dyke to me."

i wasn't entirely sure how to respond. sure, i've been called that before, i've been called a lot of names before. i've even had people tell me i looked like a lesbian and hey, that didn't bother me, but for some reason this did. 

i don't look like a dyke?

what the fuck does that mean?

i wrapped up the conversation relatively awkwardly and went on my way but the question kept grating on me. i didn't explain my sexuality to him because i don't feel like i should have to explain. you like someone, you like someone. that's just how it is. i don't look at a straight couple and say "hey, give me a breakdown of your sexual and romantic preferences, please." i don't look at a girl whose hands are maybe a little big and say, "hey, miss, i was just wondering, do you happen to have a penis?"

so why does this kid think he has the right?

you know what word i do like? queer. because it fits. i'm not bisexual. sure, i like girls. but i don't like all girls. sure, i like boys, but i don't like all boys. and then there are girls who are boys and boys who are girls and everything in between and who is to say which one of them i'm going to fall head over heels in love with next?

i'm queer 'cos it sounds cool. cos being queer means being kinda weird. kinda funny. kinda mixed up. my sexuality isn't queer. that's just who i am.

just some musings for the night.

xoxo

mouse

smokey

so i've been smoking since i was sixteen sort of on and off

i was always pretty against it until i started smoking when i was in england due to peer pressure and other great forces of nature

and actually, i'm sort of a proponent of "smoke em if you got em" because i know from my experience that nicotine is a really effective treatment for like anxiety, depression, and even schizophrenia.

a large number of people with mental disorders smoke and many don't realize they're sort of self medicating.

that being said, i wanted to feel better. 

i wanted to feel better about breathing and walking and going up stairs

it's my third day of not smoking entirely (i know i said i was going to stop earlier... it's really hard) and my body has decided to reward me by waking me up in the throes of one of the biggest panic attacks i've had in a long time.

morning panic is the worst for me because when i am not entirely awake i am not entirely aware of what's going on, so everything i'm afraid of seems so much more real.

i'm letting you guys know because i guess this is progress, but at the same time sort of anti-progress.

i know this is temporary. and i'm gonna deal with it.

xoxo

mouse

day 1 of living life

not smoking is hard.

today i had hummus and pita chips and two dora the explorer popsicles (i know! i know! but they're only 30 calories each!)

i can't for some reason motivate myself to walk, though. i was going to after class today but it was raining and now it's not but i just feel ugh. i'm so tired. 

tomorrow i will. tomorrow tomorrow!

i'm going to try to do all my work today so i have a completely free weekend so i can do stuff.
but i feel really good about myself
for whatever reason
i don't know
i haven't felt this good in a while
i can't even motivate myself to go to the drugstore. but i must!
it's been an exhausting week. 

xoxo

mouse

full responsibility

starting today (tonight) i am 

1. quitting smoking

2. starting a diet. trying to go gluten free. don't know how much i will succeed, i'm not restricting myself super much, but i'm going to try to reduce my gluten intake.

3. going to drink at least six glasses of water a day

4. eating as little processed shit as possible

5. walking at least twelve miles per week

i'm in the midst of a little bit of a health scare and sort of trying to reevaluate what i'm doing to my body. 

hopefully everything's gonna be ok but in the meantime, i'm putting this on my blog in order to keep myself accountable. if i go and eat a mountain of doritos, i'm gonna blog about it, and then i'm gonna feel like an asshole because i ate a mountain of doritos and everyone knows. conversely, if i eat well, i'm going to blog about it and then feel accomplished. i don't think i will do this every single day. i don't think that's a realistic expectation i set for myself. but i'm going to do my best, and i'm going to keep blogging how i usually blog, as well.

i just wanna feel better. this isn't a "oh god i think i'm huge i wanna lose so much weight" thing because i've already lost a bit this year. but i want to be healthy and be good to myself, so i'm going to put these updates up as well.

if you don't like these kinds of posts you can, of course, ignore them.

thanks for being here and stuff 

xoxo

mouse

blog it out

more bitches more problems

god i wish my ex would stop causing me problems. heyyy i'm tryin to move on and he still manages to cut my afternoon plans off and then just not fucking show up when i'm trying to get rid of all his shit that is still at my apartment.

but i'm going to go like hula hoop for an hour and try to clean my floor.

sorry about the lack of real posts, i seriously have like a staph infection on my face and every time i try to take pictures i'm like "oh god the alien life form that is my head"

also my hair went flat

halp

xoxo

mouse

finally leaving heartbreak hotel

i somehow convinced myself that i wasn't ever going to be happy, ever again.

here are some things that i have done in the past few days:

1. organized my financial situation so that i am confident that i can a) continue to get what i want and b) not completely fuck myself over financially

2. scrubbed my kitchen floor

3. cleaned out the area behind my bed that was just full of shit and nonsense which was actually really disappointing in the end because looking at my room you can't really tell anything's different because it was all behind my bed (duh), but at least i got it done and there is no longer a black hole down there

4. went to bed at a decent hour

5. had no nightmares

6. had fun

7. mangled my bangs (fringe)

8. gone blonde, which i thought i would never ever EVER do

9. remembered to take my birth control which is partially covered by my health insurance (pissing rush limbaugh off every day at 5:30 since high school)

10. worn the same pair of tights three times in very close succession 

11. put a huge rhinestone sticker mess on my phone 

i just want to tell you how thankful i am for all of you. i know this is not the most popular blog in the world but everyone who comes here and reads my shit and looks at my pictures and says nice things (or even mean things) means a lot to me. i have my highs and lows (in case that isn't fucking obvious) but this is definitely a high point. there was a realization somewhere in the past few days that was something along the lines of "i don't need all this unnecessary fuckabout in my life" and that was that, and now for the first time in like eight months i am actually cleaning my apartment (as opposed to just picking up) and really getting my shit together and feeling like yes, this is what i have to do, and this is gonna be great. 

xoxo

mouse

i'm back

no, i don't mean i'm back to the blog, i know i've been posting fairly regularly like a good girl

i mean i'm back to feeling good. i'm not one hundred percent yet but holy shit these past few days have made a serious change in my self esteem.

i feel fucking great. i know now that things are gonna be better than they've ever been. things are gonna be amazing.

xoxo

mouse

“every lover is, in his heart, a madman, and, in his head, a minstrel.”

recently i went through what i think was the hardest breakup of my life.

i have been in some bad relationships, some seriously insanely bad ones that just did really horrible things to me and i don't want to say this one was the worst, but it has been the one that has left me feeling the most empty and the most hurt. i loved this person, i still do, more than i can put into words and more than i can admit and certainly more than i should after what he did and what i did and all the shit that happened.

it's been nearly a year and a half since i met him and between then and now a lot of bad things have happened for which he was rarely there for me. i had a breakdown and spent around two or three months just drunk every single night and most days because i was so miserable over the things that had happened, some of which involved him, but most of which did not. 

i was not a good girlfriend. i screamed and made accusations and threw things and cried and said things that i didn't mean and just in general made his life and my life miserable. 

now i'm going to cut away from the story and say that one of the most important things in the world to me is honesty. i was raised to be honest and wasn't for a long time and then realized what the fuck am i doing and now it is absolutely one hundred percent one of the most important things in the world to me and i don't like to associate myself with people who do not tell the truth. but i end up doing it, and i end up doing it a lot for some reason and i just don't understand why i end up surrounded with all these liars in a lot of aspects of my life. and i'm sure it has something to do with my personality, i am doing a lot of self examination about that. 

anyway. he lied to me. a lot.

and every single time i forgave him. what the fuck is that? like... i don't understand why and i still don't understand why and yet i still know that if he were to come back to me i would absolutely take him back because i love him that much even though our relationship was nothing more than toxic.

i'm honestly debating right now whether or not to even post this because if i do and he reads it (i know he knows about my blog; i don't know how much he looks at it) he will almost definitely get super mad at me. but at the same time this is my place where i vent and do things like that and i feel like i should be able to put my feelings on here whether anyone who reads likes it or not. i have not made any indications as to his identity or any accusations that are untrue, nor have i included many specific details because i believe this to be an invasion of privacy and did not write this in any way because i want to slander his character or for any similar reason.

and it ended recently but not too recently, more like a few months ago, but it didn't end all the way until just this past week. which is sort of... just the cherry on top of the worst week i've had in a long time most of which involved problems with my family and stuff that i won't get into on this post. 

it's led me to question a lot of things. why would i forgive him? why give him so many chances? me, the girl who considers herself a feminist and was outraged that chris brown was invited back to the grammy's because he beat his girlfriend one time (ok i'm convinced it was more than that but one time that the public knows of) when the most common argument in favor of letting him perform is "just give him one chance?" 

i don't believe in second chances but with him i did.

im not saying that what he did was nearly that bad. honestly i think what i did during the course of our relationship was terrible but i didn't get the chances i gave him. 

i'm in a place because of this where i'm sort of struggling with who i am and whether or not i can find any strength in myself anymore. this is a person that i could objectively look at our relationship and say "wow, that's fucked up and shouldn't be," but at the same time i loved him. i loved him then and i love him still and right now it feels like i always will, although i know that is most likely not the case. 

i'm just putting this out here because, well, it's tough. i don't have a lot of friends and i've been talking to people about it but i think it's hard for people to understand how i can care about someone who i've been through this much shit with so almost everyone is just like "well forget about him" and it's just.... not that easy.

since we broke up i have written the best poem i have ever written, i have met a few new people who have been quite nice, and i have cried a lot.

and i haven't been drunk one single night. 

i'm working my way up to being a better person, being in a better place. i don't know how long it will take and i have no idea if i'm ready and my heart is broken and yeah, everyone who knows this feeling knows that for some reason it really does feel like your heart is falling apart inside your chest, because it actually fucking hurts right there. like, what the fuck is that?

if you read all this, thank you.

xoxo

mouse

thoughts on "fat" and fashion

before i start this rant i'd like to point out that I AM AWARE that this is a very gendered statement i am making, and for that i apologize. it happened that the three women i was thinking of are cisgender females and i know that this is not always the case when it comes to weight and style issues.

here are some pictures of melissa mccarthy on various red carpets. i got these pictures off google images, as always, if they are yours and you don't want 'em here, shoot me an email and i'll take them down.

melissa mccarthy is a beautiful woman. the problem is, i don't often like the way she dresses. i think a lot of the clothes she wears are unflattering. i think this of a lot of people, so why is it worth mentioning here?

it's because she's fat. 

oof, that's a statement that i'm sure is going to get me some backlash, at least until i explain myself here. 

how many fashion blogs are saying "wow she looks beautiful" when she really looks kind of like a tent?

i think--and this is just my personal theory, maybe there is something going on here that i'm missing--that this is because she is fat. there is this (amazing) movement going on where people are becoming much more accepting of size differences in beautiful and talented women, and that's fucking great! i love it! i love it so much and it needs to happen more. awesome. 

but just because ms. mccarthy is fat does not mean she always looks fabulous.

here's another example.

 this is beth ditto. beth ditto is also beautiful and fat and very talented. this is her looking fucking terrible.

and this is her looking amazing! this dress is so cute.

there is, in my eyes, a distinct difference. you can be big and dress great and you can be big and dress terribly. but either way the fashion people are gonna love it (except karl lagerfeld) because they don't want to look size-ist. i don't get it. don't get it!

and then there is adele. oh, adele, of the trillion grammy awards. adele who is beautiful and one of the most talented singers that has ever been. adele who, in my opinion, is not fucking fat but is pretty average if you think about it. i mean how many people out there are melissa mccarthy sized, how many people are kate moss sized, and how many people are adele sized? exactly.

i think, and again this is only my opinion, but i think she looks fucking fantastic in all of these dresses. they are flattering and classy and gorgeous. i don't know why anyone's calling her fat (HI KARL) at all, honestly. she's great. she's got wonderful curves and she knows how to flatter them. or her stylist does. whichever.

my point is that you don't have to look great if you're fat, but you don't have to look terrible either, but i think that people are sort of sticking to one end of the spectrum and afraid to offend if they say "listen, that dress just isn't flattering, it looks like it's meant to house a circus instead of a woman."

also there is something weird happening in hollywood/the stardomsphere which is the fact that no one is normal looking. there are girls like adele who are bigger (the closest to normal that i can think of) and there are girls like beth ditto who are for all intents and purposes genuinely "big", and there are girls who are skinny. and that's it. there's not a lot of average. there's not a lot of people getting photographed on the red carpet who look like me or who look like my friends. not fat and not thin. that's what real women are and i don't see them happening.

anyway, if you read all that thank you so much, i just felt like it was something i needed to get out there.

xoxo

mouse

i did another video!

THIS IS WHAT I THINK ABOUT LIFE AND STUFF

mouse's school of hard knocks

have you ever stumbled across my blog and wondered, "hey, how much like this random girl am i? i'd really like to know how closely our personalities match!"? 

probably not, but if so, read on, dear ready people!

What do you do when your newly purchased body wash is on your bed when you are in the shower?

A. Use the one I already have in there. Sure, I want to know how the new one works, but it can wait.

B. Run naked and with shampoo- and conditioner-filled hair across your apartment to grab it, even though the one that is already in the shower is half full and the exact same brand, just with a different scent

C. Something clever

What do you do when you accidentally stayed up all night?

A. Take a nap before I get on with my day.

B. Take some sudafed and write a fake quiz for your shitty blog.

C. Something clever

Why did you accidentally stay up all night?

A. I was at a party. Or studying. 

B. I was watching Jackass and looking at people's blogs.

C. Something clever

You have to go grocery shopping. You...

A. Make a list. Buy those things. Maybe some other things if I feel like it.

B. Just buy whatever. Pasta without sauce. Doritos. Sushi. Run out of food two days later.

C. Something clever

Your boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other breaks up with you. What do you do?

A. Move on with my life, even if it is a little sad.

B. Continue living some weird half-relationship with them until one of you goes mad. Probably you.

C. Something clever

You just got your period! What do you do?

A. Take care of it discreetly.

B. Bring it up in conversation as much as possible just so everyone knows how gawd-awful your cramps are.

C. Something clever

You are depressed. :c You...

A. Move on with your life. Try to do the things you like to do.

B. Do not leave the house for ten days. Write stupid quizzes for your blog. Don't sleep.

C. Something clever

If you got mostly A's:

Congratulations! You are most likely a real person.

If you got mostly B's:

It is very possible that we are the same person, or at least the same species.

If you got mostly C's:

This isn't the SATs. This is not how you win the test. You are an asshole.