Saturday, February 25, 2012

“every lover is, in his heart, a madman, and, in his head, a minstrel.”

recently i went through what i think was the hardest breakup of my life.
i have been in some bad relationships, some seriously insanely bad ones that just did really horrible things to me and i don't want to say this one was the worst, but it has been the one that has left me feeling the most empty and the most hurt. i loved this person, i still do, more than i can put into words and more than i can admit and certainly more than i should after what he did and what i did and all the shit that happened.
it's been nearly a year and a half since i met him and between then and now a lot of bad things have happened for which he was rarely there for me. i had a breakdown and spent around two or three months just drunk every single night and most days because i was so miserable over the things that had happened, some of which involved him, but most of which did not. 
i was not a good girlfriend. i screamed and made accusations and threw things and cried and said things that i didn't mean and just in general made his life and my life miserable. 
now i'm going to cut away from the story and say that one of the most important things in the world to me is honesty. i was raised to be honest and wasn't for a long time and then realized what the fuck am i doing and now it is absolutely one hundred percent one of the most important things in the world to me and i don't like to associate myself with people who do not tell the truth. but i end up doing it, and i end up doing it a lot for some reason and i just don't understand why i end up surrounded with all these liars in a lot of aspects of my life. and i'm sure it has something to do with my personality, i am doing a lot of self examination about that. 
anyway. he lied to me. a lot.
and every single time i forgave him. what the fuck is that? like... i don't understand why and i still don't understand why and yet i still know that if he were to come back to me i would absolutely take him back because i love him that much even though our relationship was nothing more than toxic.
i'm honestly debating right now whether or not to even post this because if i do and he reads it (i know he knows about my blog; i don't know how much he looks at it) he will almost definitely get super mad at me. but at the same time this is my place where i vent and do things like that and i feel like i should be able to put my feelings on here whether anyone who reads likes it or not. i have not made any indications as to his identity or any accusations that are untrue, nor have i included many specific details because i believe this to be an invasion of privacy and did not write this in any way because i want to slander his character or for any similar reason.
and it ended recently but not too recently, more like a few months ago, but it didn't end all the way until just this past week. which is sort of... just the cherry on top of the worst week i've had in a long time most of which involved problems with my family and stuff that i won't get into on this post. 
it's led me to question a lot of things. why would i forgive him? why give him so many chances? me, the girl who considers herself a feminist and was outraged that chris brown was invited back to the grammy's because he beat his girlfriend one time (ok i'm convinced it was more than that but one time that the public knows of) when the most common argument in favor of letting him perform is "just give him one chance?" 
i don't believe in second chances but with him i did.
im not saying that what he did was nearly that bad. honestly i think what i did during the course of our relationship was terrible but i didn't get the chances i gave him. 

i'm in a place because of this where i'm sort of struggling with who i am and whether or not i can find any strength in myself anymore. this is a person that i could objectively look at our relationship and say "wow, that's fucked up and shouldn't be," but at the same time i loved him. i loved him then and i love him still and right now it feels like i always will, although i know that is most likely not the case. 
i'm just putting this out here because, well, it's tough. i don't have a lot of friends and i've been talking to people about it but i think it's hard for people to understand how i can care about someone who i've been through this much shit with so almost everyone is just like "well forget about him" and it's just.... not that easy.

since we broke up i have written the best poem i have ever written, i have met a few new people who have been quite nice, and i have cried a lot.

and i haven't been drunk one single night. 

i'm working my way up to being a better person, being in a better place. i don't know how long it will take and i have no idea if i'm ready and my heart is broken and yeah, everyone who knows this feeling knows that for some reason it really does feel like your heart is falling apart inside your chest, because it actually fucking hurts right there. like, what the fuck is that?
if you read all this, thank you.


kentballz said...

love you with every fiber of my being. always here to talk... you should call me more.

Daniel said...

I'm happy for you have broken up with him ! It sounds like it was the best thing to do !
Be Strong and Brave !

deadly_bite said...

Wow... I think I know how you're feeling. I had a very similar story when I was 15... and it lasted for 5 years. I went through a lot of horrible stuff, and I had moments when I even felt like I didn't want to live anymore... But then one day it was over. All of a sudden, I understood I never wanted to see that guy again, or have him in my life - not even as a friend!

It's been more than two years since we broke up now and I've never regret it or missed him. Not even a single day!

I sincerely hope you'll feel like this one day.

The best place where toxic people can be is out of your life ;)

Love! xx

Laura said...

sounds a lot like a relationship I had when I was 16, except it was hardly a relationship but he still made me right miserable, for a long time after he just up and disappeared. and people might say it wasn't a relationship cause all we did was kiss but he said he cared for me and i cared for him and I felt pretty similar to the way you feel. Only you probably feel a lot worse than I did cause you sound like you were closer to him. Anyway, badly explained, but I get what you're saying. I forgave him or believed he was telling the truth, even if he was obviously lying. And it's not really that you attract liars, it's just there are a hell of a lot more assholes in the world than good people.

I know it's hard. I kept making excuses for him for so long and still caring for him for about a year after that and knowing if he turned up again I would be so willing to take him back (evne though I never really had him, I guess).

But you seem like such an awesome person. You wear awesome clothes, you are an individual, you don't copy others, you have this great personality (what i can pick up of it thru the blog) and you seem fierce and intelligent, and I think you are probably even more awesome than that in real life! know that someone as awesome as you can get past this eventually. I made it and I am not as awesome as you!

BTW I don't forgive chris Brown either.

oh and BTW i am not a creepy stalker :P just think you seem like a reeeally cool gal!

keep wriitng, it does help. :)

Magnet said...

Aw I read all of that and .. as hard as it may be, stay strong dear! or at least try to.. and don't lose faith in yourself.

I can't exactly relate to what you're going through because I've only had one boyfriend and we're still together. Our relationship.. is, everything I ever wanted however, we're both pretty socially awkward. My boyfriend has a lot of trouble dealing with people and because of both our problems we've almost broken up a few times. Although it has almost been over, we both knew that it wouldn't actually happen.. but..

When stuff like that happens, I imagine what it would be like for us to be 'over' and it makes me feel soooooooooo horrible, like I would be completely lost without him.

You're still really young, some people continue to 'discover' who they are during their entire life and it's ok to change your mind about things.

It's very, VERY cliche, but time really does heal emotional wounds.

Anonymous said...

I love the way you put in words your inner thoughts and, as many others, I've been there.. when it happened it seems that you can't never get through that poison that ruins your of the best thing I did was writing, painting and as you are already doing you'll see that all the best comes out from those deep feelings and you'll have lot of gratification from it..
(I hope my english wasn't too bad because I got really emotional about this post and I hope you understand that I feel close to you)

Shybiker said...

Important post. It's good to get this stuff out. Catharsis is healthy. And, yes, this is your blog so you can do whatever you want here.

Insanely Sweet said...

Take care of yourself. xx

Anonymous said...

I love you Liz.
You're such an amazing person and writer.
Without you, I think I would've given up on writing.
You inspire me.

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