“every lover is, in his heart, a madman, and, in his head, a minstrel.”

recently i went through what i think was the hardest breakup of my life.

i have been in some bad relationships, some seriously insanely bad ones that just did really horrible things to me and i don't want to say this one was the worst, but it has been the one that has left me feeling the most empty and the most hurt. i loved this person, i still do, more than i can put into words and more than i can admit and certainly more than i should after what he did and what i did and all the shit that happened.

it's been nearly a year and a half since i met him and between then and now a lot of bad things have happened for which he was rarely there for me. i had a breakdown and spent around two or three months just drunk every single night and most days because i was so miserable over the things that had happened, some of which involved him, but most of which did not. 

i was not a good girlfriend. i screamed and made accusations and threw things and cried and said things that i didn't mean and just in general made his life and my life miserable. 

now i'm going to cut away from the story and say that one of the most important things in the world to me is honesty. i was raised to be honest and wasn't for a long time and then realized what the fuck am i doing and now it is absolutely one hundred percent one of the most important things in the world to me and i don't like to associate myself with people who do not tell the truth. but i end up doing it, and i end up doing it a lot for some reason and i just don't understand why i end up surrounded with all these liars in a lot of aspects of my life. and i'm sure it has something to do with my personality, i am doing a lot of self examination about that. 

anyway. he lied to me. a lot.

and every single time i forgave him. what the fuck is that? like... i don't understand why and i still don't understand why and yet i still know that if he were to come back to me i would absolutely take him back because i love him that much even though our relationship was nothing more than toxic.

i'm honestly debating right now whether or not to even post this because if i do and he reads it (i know he knows about my blog; i don't know how much he looks at it) he will almost definitely get super mad at me. but at the same time this is my place where i vent and do things like that and i feel like i should be able to put my feelings on here whether anyone who reads likes it or not. i have not made any indications as to his identity or any accusations that are untrue, nor have i included many specific details because i believe this to be an invasion of privacy and did not write this in any way because i want to slander his character or for any similar reason.

and it ended recently but not too recently, more like a few months ago, but it didn't end all the way until just this past week. which is sort of... just the cherry on top of the worst week i've had in a long time most of which involved problems with my family and stuff that i won't get into on this post. 

it's led me to question a lot of things. why would i forgive him? why give him so many chances? me, the girl who considers herself a feminist and was outraged that chris brown was invited back to the grammy's because he beat his girlfriend one time (ok i'm convinced it was more than that but one time that the public knows of) when the most common argument in favor of letting him perform is "just give him one chance?" 

i don't believe in second chances but with him i did.

im not saying that what he did was nearly that bad. honestly i think what i did during the course of our relationship was terrible but i didn't get the chances i gave him. 

i'm in a place because of this where i'm sort of struggling with who i am and whether or not i can find any strength in myself anymore. this is a person that i could objectively look at our relationship and say "wow, that's fucked up and shouldn't be," but at the same time i loved him. i loved him then and i love him still and right now it feels like i always will, although i know that is most likely not the case. 

i'm just putting this out here because, well, it's tough. i don't have a lot of friends and i've been talking to people about it but i think it's hard for people to understand how i can care about someone who i've been through this much shit with so almost everyone is just like "well forget about him" and it's just.... not that easy.

since we broke up i have written the best poem i have ever written, i have met a few new people who have been quite nice, and i have cried a lot.

and i haven't been drunk one single night. 

i'm working my way up to being a better person, being in a better place. i don't know how long it will take and i have no idea if i'm ready and my heart is broken and yeah, everyone who knows this feeling knows that for some reason it really does feel like your heart is falling apart inside your chest, because it actually fucking hurts right there. like, what the fuck is that?

if you read all this, thank you.

xoxo

mouse