smokey

so i've been smoking since i was sixteen sort of on and off

i was always pretty against it until i started smoking when i was in england due to peer pressure and other great forces of nature

and actually, i'm sort of a proponent of "smoke em if you got em" because i know from my experience that nicotine is a really effective treatment for like anxiety, depression, and even schizophrenia.

a large number of people with mental disorders smoke and many don't realize they're sort of self medicating.

that being said, i wanted to feel better. 

i wanted to feel better about breathing and walking and going up stairs

it's my third day of not smoking entirely (i know i said i was going to stop earlier... it's really hard) and my body has decided to reward me by waking me up in the throes of one of the biggest panic attacks i've had in a long time.

morning panic is the worst for me because when i am not entirely awake i am not entirely aware of what's going on, so everything i'm afraid of seems so much more real.

i'm letting you guys know because i guess this is progress, but at the same time sort of anti-progress.

i know this is temporary. and i'm gonna deal with it.

xoxo

mouse