day 18 - whatever tickles your fancy

photo taken last summer by miguel 

baby's on fire

 forever21 skirt from years ago

shirt from wholesale-dress.net

necklace made from three disney charm bracelets

drugstore headband

i looove freshly dyed hair

xoxo

mouse

a princess in name only

 i'm not doing a whole outfit post because i just wore this dress the other day (link) 

but i wanted to show off my hair bow which reminds me of the little mermaid

especially since my hair is freshly red red red red 

and my necklace which i made (partially) which is the little mermaid

yeah this is like the first time ever i have opened my curtains. i am basically a vampire. but not in a shitty sparkly way

etsy store recs?

hey guys!

first of all i just wanted to say thank you for all your amazing comments on my previous post. they made me really glad that i put all that out there because it's great that i'm not alone. things aren't better yet but i hope they will be and i think i'm on the right track.

i also wanted to ask you guys a question--i've recently found myself with money to burn, which is a little unusual for me. i was wondering if you guys had any recommendations about any etsy stores, online stores, et cetera that aren't too pricey but have really cute and unique and interesting things. i'm talking jewelry, clothes, accessories, whatever.

and if any of you mice have a store of your own, link me and i'll definitely check it out!

xoxo

mouse

“every lover is, in his heart, a madman, and, in his head, a minstrel.”

recently i went through what i think was the hardest breakup of my life.

i have been in some bad relationships, some seriously insanely bad ones that just did really horrible things to me and i don't want to say this one was the worst, but it has been the one that has left me feeling the most empty and the most hurt. i loved this person, i still do, more than i can put into words and more than i can admit and certainly more than i should after what he did and what i did and all the shit that happened.

it's been nearly a year and a half since i met him and between then and now a lot of bad things have happened for which he was rarely there for me. i had a breakdown and spent around two or three months just drunk every single night and most days because i was so miserable over the things that had happened, some of which involved him, but most of which did not. 

i was not a good girlfriend. i screamed and made accusations and threw things and cried and said things that i didn't mean and just in general made his life and my life miserable. 

now i'm going to cut away from the story and say that one of the most important things in the world to me is honesty. i was raised to be honest and wasn't for a long time and then realized what the fuck am i doing and now it is absolutely one hundred percent one of the most important things in the world to me and i don't like to associate myself with people who do not tell the truth. but i end up doing it, and i end up doing it a lot for some reason and i just don't understand why i end up surrounded with all these liars in a lot of aspects of my life. and i'm sure it has something to do with my personality, i am doing a lot of self examination about that. 

anyway. he lied to me. a lot.

and every single time i forgave him. what the fuck is that? like... i don't understand why and i still don't understand why and yet i still know that if he were to come back to me i would absolutely take him back because i love him that much even though our relationship was nothing more than toxic.

i'm honestly debating right now whether or not to even post this because if i do and he reads it (i know he knows about my blog; i don't know how much he looks at it) he will almost definitely get super mad at me. but at the same time this is my place where i vent and do things like that and i feel like i should be able to put my feelings on here whether anyone who reads likes it or not. i have not made any indications as to his identity or any accusations that are untrue, nor have i included many specific details because i believe this to be an invasion of privacy and did not write this in any way because i want to slander his character or for any similar reason.

and it ended recently but not too recently, more like a few months ago, but it didn't end all the way until just this past week. which is sort of... just the cherry on top of the worst week i've had in a long time most of which involved problems with my family and stuff that i won't get into on this post. 

it's led me to question a lot of things. why would i forgive him? why give him so many chances? me, the girl who considers herself a feminist and was outraged that chris brown was invited back to the grammy's because he beat his girlfriend one time (ok i'm convinced it was more than that but one time that the public knows of) when the most common argument in favor of letting him perform is "just give him one chance?" 

i don't believe in second chances but with him i did.

im not saying that what he did was nearly that bad. honestly i think what i did during the course of our relationship was terrible but i didn't get the chances i gave him. 

i'm in a place because of this where i'm sort of struggling with who i am and whether or not i can find any strength in myself anymore. this is a person that i could objectively look at our relationship and say "wow, that's fucked up and shouldn't be," but at the same time i loved him. i loved him then and i love him still and right now it feels like i always will, although i know that is most likely not the case. 

i'm just putting this out here because, well, it's tough. i don't have a lot of friends and i've been talking to people about it but i think it's hard for people to understand how i can care about someone who i've been through this much shit with so almost everyone is just like "well forget about him" and it's just.... not that easy.

since we broke up i have written the best poem i have ever written, i have met a few new people who have been quite nice, and i have cried a lot.

and i haven't been drunk one single night. 

i'm working my way up to being a better person, being in a better place. i don't know how long it will take and i have no idea if i'm ready and my heart is broken and yeah, everyone who knows this feeling knows that for some reason it really does feel like your heart is falling apart inside your chest, because it actually fucking hurts right there. like, what the fuck is that?

if you read all this, thank you.

xoxo

mouse

round and round

 vintage ratt shirt

h&m shorts from years ago

bug bracelets from a store called rebeccas (??) in illinois

necklaces i made myself

drugstore headband

freessshshhlllyyy died hair (special effects devilish & cherrybomb)

 i love this shirt so much. i have yet to find a vintage shirt that is as amazingly worn-in and comfortable. its also very clearly used which bothered me a little when i got it but now i love it.

sorry for the gratuitous cleavage shot i wanted to show off my necklaces!

xoxo

mouse

day 17 - an art piece

patti smith by robert mapplethorpe.

one of my friends is coming to the city and we are going to mapplethorpe's grave to, i don't know, cry and do hipster things. i'm not really a fan of art (even though most of my school is one of the most prestigious art schools in the country) mostly because i look at it and don't really understand it. sure a lot of it's pretty but it doesn't make sense to me and sometimes i'm half convinced some artists are bullshitting the meaning of their work. i'm sure some of my schoolmates are.

i think art is a great and wonderful thing and a really important form of expression but i think one of the problems i have, with modern art especially, is that it is too personal and too pretentious, in that a lot of people are making art for themselves (not a bad thing) and displaying it to a large audience (also not a bad thing) who are then trying to access the emotions present when the artist made the piece, which is... difficult, to say the least, which leads to a lot of people interpreting it in a lot of different ways (definitely not a bad thing because different interpretations of the same thing are one of the reasons the world functions) but then some people don't understand it and pretend to or just make shit up and i'm like come on guys, really?

literature is sort of the same way and that's coming from an aspiring writer so i don't know. and i know a huge number of people know so much more about art than i do. but a lot of times i feel sort of alienated by it, especially contemporary stuff. i don't think it should stop! i don't think it should ever ever stop, i don't think anyone should stop making whatever kind of art they want to and rationalizing it however they want to but sometimes it is just not for me.

photography is much more easily accessible to me because for some reason i can understand it much more easily, and robert mapplethorpe is definitely a favourite. 

i don't know if any of this made sense, i'm really tired and haven't left my house all day and i'm kind of down in the dumps. i've got a bunch of anxiety symptoms coming back that i haven't had to deal with for more than a year and it really fucking sucks and i think it's tied to my recent break-up and just ugh. 

maybe i'll write a ranty post about that or make a video or something but... i just have a lot of feelings right now is what i guess i am trying to say and i don't really know how to deal with them in a way that is safe and sane. ending a really long relationship sucks because i really don't want to just start over with someone strange and new but i guess i have to eventually. right now im focusing on myself, though.

xoxo

mouse

day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)

oh my god this is so embarrassing but here you go

day 15 - a fanfic

oh dear now you all can tell this is a tumblr meme i'm doing. i'm not really that into fanfiction because i think it's kind of weird putting characters together that aren't together and even weirder when it's real people. by "weird" i mean not my thing. you could always go read my immortal (link) which is the most hilarious piece of fanfiction ever created.

also i will totally go down with the sherlock x watson ship in sherlock because MOFFAT IS WRITING THEM THAT WAY. it's practically fucking canon at this point.

look at me! internet buzzwords! hello!

xoxo

mouse

you're my lover, not my rival

 sweater - goodwill

headband - tatty devine (another ebay score for like 11 bucks)

shorts - cut off from tripp jeans

necklace - diy

ring - super super old (i took a lot of my old jewelry and stuff from my dad's when i was in pennsylvania so expect some super old pieces to make an appearance)

socks - american apparel

i love this sweater so much even though it is kinda short. its super comfy and the photos which never really do anything justice because my webcam and lighting suck really dont do how pink it is justice!

title from karma chameleon by culture club:

xoxo

mouse

day 14 - a non-fictional book

my mom got me bossypants for valentine's day because ive been watching 30 rock lately and we both really like tina fey. i thought it was pretty good, but not as good as i was expecting, i guess. it was funny and some parts made me laugh out loud but it wasn't nearly as funny as i think 30 rock is or as funny as i think she was on SNL, and i think it's just because her brand of humor translates much better into spoken than written word.

that's not to say it wasn't really good and didn't make me like her more than i already did, because it was and it did. but i've definitely read similar things that i thought were funnier, like tiny acts of rebellion by rich fulcher and my booky wook by russell brand.

xoxo

mouse

day 13 - a fictional book

currently reading

"semi-autobiographical" counts as "fictional" in this case just fyi.

i kinda like it even though it gets a little boring.

xoxo

mouse

her next of kin who lived in sin was asking god to let her in

 american apparel socks

dress was a gift from my mother via goodwill

plastique san francisco skyline necklace

diy ratspeaker necklace

super old plastic barbed wire and glitter bracelets from my childhood

butterfly hair clip won w tickets at granville island kids market in vancouver canada when i lived there in first grade

cockroach hair clip from miracle eye clothing

title from scared of girls by placebo:

xoxo

mouse

day 12 - whatever tickles your fancy

aww yiss

day 11 - a picture of you taken recently

just got home and i'm so tired and have tons of work to do so im just gonna say hey, have a look at THIS ENTIRE BLOG because that's basically all it is.

i'm not in a pissy mood, promise, just busy as fuck!

xoxo

mouse

i get knocked down but i get up again

 prehistoric warrior princess dress

claires dinosaur necklace and hair ties

diy necklace

urban outfitters tights

hallo

title from tubthumping (seriously still love this song, don't care):

xoxo

mouse

day 10 - a photo of you taken over 10 years ago

LOOK AT MY OVERBITE. omg.

i got my hair cut yay

since im back in state college i went to where i usually go get my hair done (there's only one person that i trust to touch my hair) and its short as hell but at least its not broken and its even! i love it!

xoxo

mouse

fuck damn it

i was meant to go back to state college today to see my family and friends

but now i have food poisoning

sweet jesus this is painful

bleh :(

day 9 - a photo you took

this is a picture of (what i believe is) a crab spider in my aunts pool greenhouse thing in florida.

there were a bunch of these things and they were soooo fuckin cool. it looks like it has a little cartoon skull face on its back!

xoxo

mouse

helllooooooooooooooooohello

 shirt dress from urban outfitters years ago

st. winehouse necklace from etsy

tights from i have no fucking idea

i have been dressing quite simply and not posting so much lately because i have been a busy beetle. luckily i think i have found balance and will be back to your regularly scheduled mouse very soon.

xoxo

mouse

because the night belongs to lovers

 happy valentines day mice!

 im wearing tripp jeans cut into shorts, american apparel tights, unicorn shirt (subtly different from my other unicorn shirt) off amazon, and ratspeaker necklace

 trying to make a funny face, really i look half monkey

 didnt wear a ton of makeup today. not hating it.

this year i got flowers from someone other than my parents for the first time ever! and they are lovely.

i hope you guys had a great day too.

title from because the night by patti smith which is my favourite love song:

xoxo

mouse

day 8 - a photo that makes you sad or angry

i don't think i really need to say much about this.

thoughts on "fat" and fashion

before i start this rant i'd like to point out that I AM AWARE that this is a very gendered statement i am making, and for that i apologize. it happened that the three women i was thinking of are cisgender females and i know that this is not always the case when it comes to weight and style issues.

here are some pictures of melissa mccarthy on various red carpets. i got these pictures off google images, as always, if they are yours and you don't want 'em here, shoot me an email and i'll take them down.

melissa mccarthy is a beautiful woman. the problem is, i don't often like the way she dresses. i think a lot of the clothes she wears are unflattering. i think this of a lot of people, so why is it worth mentioning here?

it's because she's fat. 

oof, that's a statement that i'm sure is going to get me some backlash, at least until i explain myself here. 

how many fashion blogs are saying "wow she looks beautiful" when she really looks kind of like a tent?

i think--and this is just my personal theory, maybe there is something going on here that i'm missing--that this is because she is fat. there is this (amazing) movement going on where people are becoming much more accepting of size differences in beautiful and talented women, and that's fucking great! i love it! i love it so much and it needs to happen more. awesome. 

but just because ms. mccarthy is fat does not mean she always looks fabulous.

here's another example.

 this is beth ditto. beth ditto is also beautiful and fat and very talented. this is her looking fucking terrible.

and this is her looking amazing! this dress is so cute.

there is, in my eyes, a distinct difference. you can be big and dress great and you can be big and dress terribly. but either way the fashion people are gonna love it (except karl lagerfeld) because they don't want to look size-ist. i don't get it. don't get it!

and then there is adele. oh, adele, of the trillion grammy awards. adele who is beautiful and one of the most talented singers that has ever been. adele who, in my opinion, is not fucking fat but is pretty average if you think about it. i mean how many people out there are melissa mccarthy sized, how many people are kate moss sized, and how many people are adele sized? exactly.

i think, and again this is only my opinion, but i think she looks fucking fantastic in all of these dresses. they are flattering and classy and gorgeous. i don't know why anyone's calling her fat (HI KARL) at all, honestly. she's great. she's got wonderful curves and she knows how to flatter them. or her stylist does. whichever.

my point is that you don't have to look great if you're fat, but you don't have to look terrible either, but i think that people are sort of sticking to one end of the spectrum and afraid to offend if they say "listen, that dress just isn't flattering, it looks like it's meant to house a circus instead of a woman."

also there is something weird happening in hollywood/the stardomsphere which is the fact that no one is normal looking. there are girls like adele who are bigger (the closest to normal that i can think of) and there are girls like beth ditto who are for all intents and purposes genuinely "big", and there are girls who are skinny. and that's it. there's not a lot of average. there's not a lot of people getting photographed on the red carpet who look like me or who look like my friends. not fat and not thin. that's what real women are and i don't see them happening.

anyway, if you read all that thank you so much, i just felt like it was something i needed to get out there.

xoxo

mouse