Thursday, June 28, 2012

wait hang on

let me clear something up.
i find it more pathetic that "fat" is still being used as an insult than that i was called it.
aren't we better than this?
can we not judge someone for what they say and do as opposed to what the fuck they look like?
i'm not worried about my body conforming to some kind of design that anyone has in mind that will make me acceptable and presentable. i don't owe you that
i don't owe anyone that

the only thing i owe the world is to be a great fucking human being. 

heres something about fat shaming that's a nice watch

Wednesday, June 27, 2012


here's another giveaway!
this one is really lovely. i think all of you should check it out.
also, my previous post is pretty important, so i'd like if you went and read it. 
thank yall

can we talk about how fat i am or whatever

a while back i got an anonymous comment on my blog telling me that i'm obese and that i should watch out because fat people die young
hi, anon, if you're here. 
my first reaction was "jesus, who would say something like that?" 
but then i remembered, this is the internet, that's what happens.
my second reaction was "really? that's the best you can do?"
because out of all the weird fucking things about my body and my face and my scarecrow hair i don't walk around going "jesus christ i hope these people don't think i'm obese". you couldn't have said something about my giant nose? my clown feet? my pony mouth? it had to be the one thing that i know for a fact does not describe me, nor have i ever thought it might?
i was going to ignore that comment. and i have done up until this point. but i was thinking about it and i realized maybe i should say something. because that's not right. i don't know who you are, i don't know if i know you or if i've met you or if i've wronged you in some way--god, i hope not, and if i have, please contact me so i can sincerely apologize. i've not been the best person, and i know that, but i'm really trying to give everyone the love and caring that they deserve. 
my body looks the way it does because that is how it looks.
i am guilty of the desire for self improvement. i am guilty of the desire to lose weight. but now i think i'm going to look at self-improvement in a different way. i want to be the best me that i can be in the sense that i want to be good to myself, to eat well and exercise, but not in a bid to lose weight. in a bid to make my body healthy and my mind healthy. because if i'm not healthy, that's when we have a problem. that's when you can call me out. this was back when i was smoking--i don't know why this anon couldn't have said "smokers die young, you should do something about that." cos that's true. that's something i'm guilty of. i was hurting my body that way.
what about when i was cutting? no one called me out for that. no one sent me a message saying "that's bad for you, you should stop." 
but someone stumbled across my blog, decided they didn't like me for whatever reason, maybe thought i was a little fat, didn't like my hips or my stomach, and decided to comment on that. they were offended not by something i was actually doing but by my appearance. and, anonymous commenter, and everyone else who maybe thinks the same thing:
that's for you.

on a side note, my biggest mental block about quitting smoking was the possibility of weight gain. and yeah, i've put on a few pounds. but it's going to be a lot easier to deal with the five pounds i've gained since quitting than the health problems i might have to deal with down the line if i didn't quit.

i kinda like myself. 
and i know i'm healthy. i know i'm the best i can be right now. that's all i need.



Tuesday, June 26, 2012

friday i'm in love

 i was gifted some princess dresses
this is one of them
its betsey johnson!

 mmmm hello


Saturday, June 23, 2012

wouldn't you think i'm the girl who has everything?

 i ended up spending more time at brooklyn renegade craft fair than i did at the mermaid parade but i was still plenty mermaided out! i wore this, which is my bathing suit--it's vintage from the family jewels, which is normally way out of my price range but i was lucky to score this in my size (very unusual for vintage) a month or so ago.
 my hair's not that long. it's an extension. an extension that i had to cover with sharpie. it was a fucking process, and it got ink all over me.

funny faces 
 my necklace says "mermaid"
i ended up wearing this dress over it all. i got a lot of pictures taken :P
i made a really sped up video of how i dyed my hair extension (with sharpie). i have no idea if you can tell what's going on but you spin me round like a record and walk like an egyptian sound fucking hilarious sped up, so enjoy!


Friday, June 22, 2012

smoking hot

i don't really have a picture relevant to this post so here is a shoe i covered in googly eyes and glitter. 

so i told you guys back in this post that i was going to quit smoking.
it didn't happen.
this past week, it did.
it was a lot easier than i'd expected once i decided i was going to stick to the decision to stop--i was a bitch for a few days but then not a lot happened. food tastes kind of weird now; other than that no symptoms or side effects. 
it's been so beautifully hot that i don't really feel like i want a cigarette when i go outside, which has really helped. when it's super warm out the desire to set something on fire and then inhale it goes away. 
so that's my update. hmm


Wednesday, June 20, 2012


 this is my headpiece that i made for the mermaid parade on saturday!

i was reading in the park today and a man came up to me and tried to talk to me and wouldn't leave me alone. he was trying to talk to me about things that one should never try to talk to a stranger about and i, being the scared rabbit that i am, had no idea how to handle the situation and entertained his questions as long as i could and made up an excuse to leave and ran
my style is a constant struggle between being able to express myself and avoiding the kind of attention i don't want. yes i'm wearing shorts. i'm not wearing shorts as an invitation to try to touch my arse.
i know i get attention from the way i dress. 
it's not what i aim for. i'm sure a lot of people think it is, but it's not. i dress the way i feel comfortable dressing. i don't know why people take my hair or my clothes as an invitation to say horrible sexual things that i just don't want to hear. it makes me want to never leave my apartment again and i hate that because i've had to deal with so much anxiety and so much shit and i'm finally feeling like myself again and then someone decides to treat me like this and once again i'm nothing but my appearance.
and how is that fair?


Tuesday, June 19, 2012

it's hot in the city tonight

i love nothing more than summer and i'm always wishing it warmer.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

happy father's day

my dad is the coolest.
he's smart as hell and funny and never afraid to share his opinion no matter how unpopular it might be (maybe that's where i got it!)
he liked the beach boys, country joe, bob dylan, and joan baez way before i thought they were cool.
when he was fifteen he helped to organize a rally against the vietnam war that ended up with thousands of attendees. i've never done anything that big.
i'm immensely proud of him, and i can only hope that he's just as proud of me.

he also really likes lady gaga.

Friday, June 15, 2012

the cutout magazines remind me, i sit and wait alone in my room

 i'm going to a themed party tonight, it's my little cannibal pony so this is what i chose to wear.

 i know my kitchen is messy. hi billy


Thursday, June 14, 2012

i don't know what to do

i feel like i'm sort of in a hair rut.
i like my gradient, i think i'm just sick of staring at my own face. i'm not sure what to do. i've been all kinds of reds and pinks and i think that's what i want to stick to, because blue and purple have never done good things for me. i was blue last october which was probably one of the worst months of my life considering i was drunk for a month and so miserable i didn't want to function or focus on anything. 
i like pink. i like red. i don't know whether i should go bright red again, though. 
like i said, i like the gradient. but i kind of miss the red. but pink suits my personality.
anyone want to offer some suggestions?

new video haul yay


Monday, June 11, 2012

even my tears are pink

i think about the attacks that happened over ten years ago in this city a lot.
it's unavoidable here. the fire station across the street from my apartment has thirteen plaques in memoral for the firemen who lost their lives when the towers fell. last year people left flowers outside of it. dozens of bouquets. i couldn't walk by without getting choked up.
this country and i have a love hate relationship.
religion and i have a love hate relationship. i have never been religious. but there is one very religious man who i hardly stop thinking about. 
father mychal judge was a fdny chaplain who was counted as victim number one in the attacks. he went to deliver last rites to the victims of the attack and died when he was struck by falling rubble. there is a section of 31st street, quite close to madison square garden, named after him. 
he was well known for accepting people not usually accepted by the church--members of the LGBT community, patients with AIDS, the homeless, addicts, and others.
i know a lot of people say that god is love but i think father mychal really meant it.
i took this when i went with my mom and sister to the 9/11 memorial a few months ago. 

sorry for this sort of somber post. i'll be back to my dumb face soon!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

i wanna rock

 the skirt is vintage and the top is secondhand
sometimes i just feel like dressing like my own brand of disney princess

 my fce is so akward at all times
the circus freak necklace is on etsy
 my top is fringey!

i did a walk because i have so much fun swishing this shit



i vlogged it out


Wednesday, June 6, 2012

i started swearing to my god and on my mother's grave that i would love you 'til the end of time

 motley crue shirt from forever 21. I KNOW. i fucking know. i saw it and like screamed and i was shopping by myself so it was really awkward
american flag shorts from topshop. these were like my staple last summer i wore them like allll the time.

 tights from urban outfitters,
fully aware my shirt clashes with my hair DONT CARE
dressed pretty casually today because i'm headed off to work. yay


Tuesday, June 5, 2012

what i did over summer vacation...

 the wonderful, beautiful edie pop (link) sent me a tote bag! she made it herself--it's so beautiful!
i received it as soon as i got home from pennsylvania and when i opened it i was so excited and touched i almost cried! thank you so much!!!

so i know summer vacation isn't (even close to) over but so far i've done a lot! i had a disastrous haircut but then fixed it to the best of my ability, got a new phone, cleaned my entire apartment, started work (which is amazing, by the way), ombre'd my hair (it was basically MAROON in a disastrous professional dye job... thats the last time anyone else gets to dye my hair... i had to wash it with dish soap until the colour lightened enough that i didnt feel like going out with a bag over my head), got new shoes which i will post about and a number of new clothes (including this massive motley crue shout at the devil shirt that i'm wearing here) that i will also post about... and so so much else. i've been having a really incredible summer thus far. 
i hope you guys are doing well! i've missed you!
enjoy die antwoord's new video c:


and we'll be back on track by the morning!

i just got back from retrieving my macbook!
so now we can party together like it's 1999 again!
i missed you micey mice soooo much and i'm just so damn excited to start posting again!

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