a while back i got an anonymous comment on my blog telling me that i'm obese and that i should watch out because fat people die young.
hi, anon, if you're here.
my first reaction was "jesus, who would say something like that?"
but then i remembered, this is the internet, that's what happens.
my second reaction was "really? that's the best you can do?"
because out of all the weird fucking things about my body and my face and my scarecrow hair i don't walk around going "jesus christ i hope these people don't think i'm obese". you couldn't have said something about my giant nose? my clown feet? my pony mouth? it had to be the one thing that i know for a fact does not describe me, nor have i ever thought it might?
i was going to ignore that comment. and i have done up until this point. but i was thinking about it and i realized maybe i should say something. because that's not right. i don't know who you are, i don't know if i know you or if i've met you or if i've wronged you in some way--god, i hope not, and if i have, please contact me so i can sincerely apologize. i've not been the best person, and i know that, but i'm really trying to give everyone the love and caring that they deserve.
my body looks the way it does because that is how it looks.
i am guilty of the desire for self improvement. i am guilty of the desire to lose weight. but now i think i'm going to look at self-improvement in a different way. i want to be the best me that i can be in the sense that i want to be good to myself, to eat well and exercise, but not in a bid to lose weight. in a bid to make my body healthy and my mind healthy. because if i'm not healthy, that's when we have a problem. that's when you can call me out. this was back when i was smoking--i don't know why this anon couldn't have said "smokers die young, you should do something about that." cos that's true. that's something i'm guilty of. i was hurting my body that way.
what about when i was cutting? no one called me out for that. no one sent me a message saying "that's bad for you, you should stop."
but someone stumbled across my blog, decided they didn't like me for whatever reason, maybe thought i was a little fat, didn't like my hips or my stomach, and decided to comment on that. they were offended not by something i was actually doing but by my appearance. and, anonymous commenter, and everyone else who maybe thinks the same thing:
that's for you.
on a side note, my biggest mental block about quitting smoking was the possibility of weight gain. and yeah, i've put on a few pounds. but it's going to be a lot easier to deal with the five pounds i've gained since quitting than the health problems i might have to deal with down the line if i didn't quit.
i kinda like myself.
and i know i'm healthy. i know i'm the best i can be right now. that's all i need.
xoxo
mouse
P.S. CHECK OUT MY FUCKING THIRD NIPPLE